SUBSTANCES *

“We at BEC, (the Baseball Enhancement Company)
have all the products to raise your game
to the next level and enhance your professional
baseball career, money-back guaranteed.
Instead of ‘Spider-Tack,’ we have ‘Silver Spit,
designed to add spins to your curve ball.
Instead of ‘Monkey Hands,’ we sell ‘GG,’
(Gloppy Glue) which will enable your
change-up to dart and dive, thereby
frustrating any batter you will ever face.
For the infielder or outfielder we urge our
Great Glove, double the size of any
standard mitt to snare any batted ball.
And for the batter we are proud to present
‘Extend-a-Bat,’ a physical extension
which will allow the batter to reach
for balls outside the strike zone.
All our merchandise is legal,
certified by Major League Baseball,
invented to bring fans back to the ballpark
and make our national pastime more
compatible with our changing amoral times.”