(Sung to the tune of “King Nothing” By Metallica)

He pitches at day
He pitches at night
His throws cause batters fright
Are you satisfied?

At Safeco
Or away
He’ll beat you either way
Are you pacified?

And it all crashes down
When he throws from the mound
If you swing your lumber
Then you just twist around.

You just want one thing
Merely a hit off the king
But the ball’s in a glove
And you’re just another out.

On the mound is King Felix!

You’re frozen cold
Your bat you hold
His heat’s as hard as gold
Are you satisfied?

The ball is in flight
It’s on the way
You swing your bat away
Are you pacified?

He has a low E.R.A
His control is tight
He’ll throw no ball straight tonight
His sinker is hard
He’ll curve you around
Thirty four is the wizard of the mound.