Their hero crushed my knuckler through the skies
So I fired a fast ball right between his thighs.
He rolled on the ground all whines and cries
But there was clearly no need to hospitalize.

Well, their trainer found no wounds to cauterize
So I thought the deed deserved reprise.
His next time up, the crowd sat in stunned surprise
As I hit him in the same place after a couple of tries.

Of course the ump hustled out and began to chastise.
Then their bench cleared and it made me realize
That while it would have been nice just to socialize
Their sole motivation was to pulverize.

Perhaps as you can visualize
It did no good to apologize.
Indeed, the PA announcer began to eulogize
But the cops smuggled me out in a nice disguise.

Later the pundits began to wax wise;
They find it so easy to criticize.
They said it was foul play that my actions would glamorize
And the game’s reputation would quickly capsize.

The owner told me he didn’t wish to moralize
But there were certain facts I had to recognize
Like, for example, I was destroying the franchise.
Then he offered me a contract below minimum size.

So I packed up my glove and donned my Levis
And my entire portfolio I began to revise.
I now run a batting cage about to downsize
And that is the story of my tragic demise.

I tried once more to reach for the prize
Back to the minors eating burgers and fries
But something happened that I need time to analyze
The first pitch was a fast ball right between my eyes.