The Cincinnati Reds have issued
the following proclamation:
“Baseball players, come join us.
You have nothing to lose but your bats.
Rise up from the lumpen proletariat,
cast off the shackles placed upon you
by heartless managers and commissioners.
Create a new baseball order
in which all players will be equally treated.
No more fights over money.
No more contracts tying you
to one specific geographical area.
Every player, regardless of position,
will be treated with respect,
all in the service of a greater good –
to wave a championship banner
in the May Day parade.
Listen to our Five-Year Plan.
Come to our training sessions in the spring.
We will once more make baseball
the opium of the masses.”