If insects could play baseball,
that would be so weird.
Pop fly would be confusing,
and fans would buzz not cheer.
A stag beetle could pitch with his antlers,
a stink bug be home plate.
A mantis bat with a walking stick,
and ‘tween innings devour her mate.
Two locusts and a cricket,
three baseman who love loud chatter,
would harangue and malign
their team’s opposing batters.
A katydid might be catcher;
Yogisms would be her thing.
Confusing every opponent
as the neo-non-sequitur queen.
A fruit fly would play shortstop;
Peewee might be his name.
But if there’s extra innings,
his descendants would finish the game.
Three monarchs’d cover the outfield
with alacrity and panache.
Paying them would be easy
with milkweed instead of cash.
When a yellow jacket’d get on base
he’d become the meanest player of all.
He’d slide into second with stinger straight out
like a six-legged, base stealing Ty Cobb.
Their manager could be a grasshopper
who expectorates and chews.
He’d pull tired pitchers, send pinch runners,
while spitting his grasshopper juice.
Two june beetles who once were players
would now coach first and third,
They’d rub, tug, tap and scratch
signals complex and absurd
Night games would be no problem
with click beetles and fireflies.
They’d gather in mass and do their best
to light up the park and sky.
Robber flies would be the umpires
with whom you should never argue.
Instead of ejecting you from a game,
they might just decide to eat you.
Never donnybrook with paper wasps
they’d make you cry and moan
They’d keep stinging while emitting
effective defensive pheromones.
Where would the bigs get their talent?
From the minors for those who’d try,
like the Milwaukee Maggots,
a farm team for the FLA. Blow Flies.
And other names teams would have:
the Minnesota Mosquitoes and Boston Red Ants,
the Delaware Dung Beetles
and the New York Miracle Gnats.
Oh, and the Insect World Series,
the best of players and the best of coaches.
Televised on InsectSPN,
the L.A. Ladybugs vs. Colorado Cockroaches.
So in the world of insect baseball
where all games would be hard fought,
everyone would be welcomed
except for the Sultan of…SWAT!!!